I have found my voice. For those that know me this will make you laugh for I always seem to be talking or laughing or both. But for those that know me and my darkest parts, the places I feel scared, I hope you feel as relieved as I do. You see I can talk and talk and connect deeply with people, I can shoot the shit about guns or flowers or tea or beer. I find that I can relate to people easily and conversation, most times, comes naturally for me. That voice is tuned and ready to go, I’m not even talking about passion or a belief in an idea. Ideas come left and right, and passion? Well I have some to spare, would you like some? Or should I say my passion has me wandering again, would you like to come along?
This lost voice though has been afraid to come out and I didn’t realize why until I started to think about this blog. Mind you not even the writing of it because just the thought made my gut clench and my throat dry up. You see I can speak in front of people all day long (I may be nervous grant it) because I know in a way I’m good at it. I also am comforted by the fact that most people only remember about 50% of what they hear, so I have that in my favor. Writing it down though where others can read it, then read it again, then refer to it when they show their friends, then laugh at it, then laugh at it again when the whole high school reads it!!! Oh its the 9th grade note passing incident all over again!
So an idea can get stuck in your head and when its stuck there it can continue to grow and become bigger and scarier. So I examined it, I looked at why I was so scared to write these teeny little blog entries. What it came down to, was I afraid I didn’t know what I was talking about. That people would tell me I was wrong, stupid, dumb ,ect. The funny thing is….this blog’s focus isn’t strictly on facts or figures, its my experience. And who knows better about that then me? Those people out there that would tell me those negative things anyway…well ok they can say that, but it doesn’t take away from this.
The stepping into claiming my voice, claiming my experience as my own and not the result of something outside of myself. Forming my thoughts, emotions, and experience into words, something more permanent; to either reflect on, or inspire, or just to release the passion and ideas in my head. Its not so scary now, I realize what the fear is and why. That fear seems smaller now and I feel much louder than before.